


Casualty

by Dead_walking



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, This hurts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 04:21:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11729391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dead_walking/pseuds/Dead_walking
Summary: If Magnus can’t have both, that means he can’t have Alec, because turning his back on Downworlders was never an option. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.





	Casualty

**Author's Note:**

> [Read this on tumblr or request a prompt ](http://the-roci.tumblr.com/)

Luke talks him out of it in the end, but the damage is done. 

_And remember, those who don’t come to my side, will be on the losing side._ Magnus isn’t sure which side he’s on, and for the first time in a very long time, he doesn’t have an idea about how this is all going to play out. The uncertainty makes the air feel charged, thick with a dangerous tension that has been waiting to fall for centuries. 

Magnus feels it licking at his fingertips as readily as he feels his magic flowing in the space around him. It trails him as he moves around the loft, so familiar, yet different, because something’s missing, something small but monumental, something that’s weighing down on him just as much as the prospect of war. 

“We should summon the council,” Luke says, sitting at the edge of the armchair like he’s ready to pounce. “If the Seelies move against us, we need to know who we can depend on.”

“As quickly as possible,” Magnus responds, prowling the loft like a tiger. “The Queen won’t wait to strike.”

Luke nods, “I’ll send fire messages.” Magnus feels eyes upon him then, direct and searching, and it makes the walls bear down on him more than they were before.

“Notify the Institute, as well,” Magnus answers the unasked question. “This affects all of us.” 

::

It’s such a silly thing, to not be able to sleep at night. 

Golden sheets weave around his legs, pooling on his stomach and every time he moves, he feels them tighten, digging into his skin until he feels bound, tangled in body just as he is in mind. As much as he tries, he can’t stop the push and pull of his thoughts until they’re knotted together in one unending heap. Every time he pulls on a thread in an attempt to untangle the mess floating around inside his head, another comes out with it, or nothing comes out at all. 

He thinks about whether he did the right thing, rejecting the offer the Queen laid before his feet, of tracking spells and wards that will need to be fortified. He thinks about the curve of runes and warm hazel eyes that make the air around him thick with a different type of tension. He thinks he wants to be consumed whole. 

When Luke knocks on his door in the morning, he makes sure to glamour the bags under his eyes. 

::

“You ready for this?”

“Why shouldn’t I be?” And it’s just a second too quick, a fraction too biting too come off as casual, but Magnus leaves it be. Leaving it seems more straightforward than explaining: _How am I supposed to protect my people when it feels like I’m falling apart? I’ve lived through the fall of empires, have watched cities with so much promise burn and be left abandoned, have said goodbye to good people, people whose names and faces have been forgotten, shouldn’t it make it easier then? To have my heart wrenched from my chest, to look between Raphael and Alec and be told to choose._

Luke places a hand on his shoulder, “That’s exactly why I wanted to make sure.”

::

The first time seeing Alec is jarring. Standing on opposite ends of the room, the distance between them is vast and unending. Magnus make sure to catch nothing but glimpses of him as they discuss the changes that have happened. 

“Valentine is powerful, too powerful to allow turbulent political standings to prevent us from taking him on in force. We’re willing to fight alongside the Clave so long as you understand we’re in charge of Valentine’s fate.” 

“You know the Clave’s never going to go for that,” Jace says like it’s inevitable, like there isn’t a point in challenging it. 

So Magnus does. “I’m afraid it’s non-negotiable.” 

Magnus shouldn’t be surprised when Jace steps forward, claiming the center of the room as easily as the Clave imposed sanctions that left the Downworld reeling. “Look, I’m not trying to be unreasonable here, but refusing to hand Valentine over is just going to make everything worse for both sides. It’ll be considered a breach of the accords, Magnus. That’s going to lead to war.”

Raphael bristles besides him. “War is here. What matters now is protecting our people. You’ll have to forgive us if we refuse to keep ignoring the Clave’s ineptitude.” 

“The Clave-"

“The Clave is the reason we’re in this mess.” Alec’s voice rumbles like lightening, rolling through each of them until he has everyone’s attention. “We had our chance to deal with Valentine and failed. If the Downworlders want him, he’s theirs. It’s about time they start having a say in their future.”

For the first time since the meeting started, Alec’s looking at him and oh, how Magnus wishes he didn’t see himself reflected in Alec’s exhaustion. But there isn’t time to see himself in pinch of Alec’s shoulder or hear himself in the rough edges of his voice. Everyone is pressed, stretched too thin with the weight of the world crumbling in on them. Still, it doesn’t change the twist in his stomach at the sight of Alec’s hallowed out eyes, knowing exactly what it feels like to be kept up at night, to feel like everything is slipping out of your control without a clear idea of how to make everything right. 

“Do whatever you need to do,” Alec says, “I’ll handle the Clave when it’s over.” If resolve alone could secure victory, Magnus wouldn’t have to worry, but he notes it for what it is, an empty promise. Alec can tear the Institute to the ground, but changing Clave law? He’s asking for the impossible but it doesn’t stop him from trying.

::

“Magnus."

Expecting his name doesn’t exactly prepare him to hear it. That's precisely how he finds himself rooted in place, trapped in a hallway that somehow seems too large and too small, all at the same time. Standing there, Magnus doesn't know what he can't stomach more, that he's too afraid to fully turn towards the sound of his name, or that he's strong enough to keep himself at bay. 

So it lingers between them, drifting in the open space that may as well be miles, when a week ago they couldn't breathe without melting into each other, chasing the press of skin and losing themselves in laughter that was warmer than the morning sun. Magnus wishes he knew how to navigate this, how to walk away from someone that made him the happiest he’s been in a very long time.  
But he’s not wise enough to fool his own heart and Alec has already said everything there was to say. 

“I’m afraid this isn’t a good time,” Magus says, instead of: there has to be a way to fix this. And it’s all the more crushing because it’s true. Catarina is waiting for him with lists of warlocks that are prepared to fight alongside him, has tombs and spells that need sorting, and Magnus needs to delegate, plan and divvy up orders until they’re ready to make their first move. 

There isn’t time to stay, to weave their fingers together until he was sure Alec was okay, no matter how much he yearns to. 

He should be relieved then, when Alec nods in understanding, so why does each breath feel like he’s burning?

“Of course,” Alec responds, jaw clenching hard enough to squish whatever else he was about to say. “Just promise me you’ll be careful. I know we’re not –" Magnus hears the shake in the exhale, “I need you safe.”

“I need you safe, too.” There's no point in lying when they both know they're breaking. What he would to lose himself in an embrace that he’s been craving since he walked away. And for a second, he feels his resolve may break. But instead of stepping towards Alec, he flicks his wrist and opens a portal.

Staying means giving in and Magnus can't give in. “Goodbye Alexander.” 

Slipping through the portal is almost involuntary. 

There are too many people he needs to save.

::

_I can’t have both._

And if he can’t have both, that means he can’t have Alec, no matter how much that hurts. 

Turning his back on Downworlders was never an option. Even if he resents it, resents himself, he’ll pick them every time because nobody else will. It’s why his home becomes a harbor when Valentine turns his eyes on warlocks, sheltering those that have nowhere else to go. Why he'll usher Simon, Raphael, Kira, Ellen, Dot through his front door whenever they feel like they're alone. It's why he gives Alec up, even when his heart begs him to hold on.

**Author's Note:**

> This hurts my heart. Why do these two have to hurt my heart?


End file.
